Why Are Boundaries Scary?
We’ve all heard that setting boundaries is a good thing, right? That they are important for our own mental health and well-being and are our way of meeting our own needs. I whole-heartedly agree, but if they’re so good for us, why are they so damn scary to set?
Are boundaries scary for you too? Do you find yourself on the verge of collapse and panic when you are in a situation that requires you verbalize your boundaries? Well, let’s join hands and remind each other that what makes boundaries feel scary is what they are associated with in our minds.
Boundaries themselves aren’t inherently scary; they’re just the words we use to help communicate our needs and limits to others. What makes boundaries scary are all the associations we’ve attached to them:
If I set a boundary, someone will be mad at me (and if they’re mad, they’ll punish me)
If I’m not go-with-the-flow, I’ll be seen as uptight or rude
My boundaries will be misunderstood and I’ll be seen in a “bad” light
It’s wrong to let others down
I’ll lose someone (or something) important if I set a boundary
Pause for a moment and think about any other associations your mind has attached to the concept of setting boundaries. Does this relate to any of your core fears in other situations?
Implicit Memories, Trauma, and Attachment Wounds
Boundaries are a form of saying “no” to someone or something. They’re our expressions of our limitations, needs, expectations, and sense of self.
When your ability to say “no” has been compromised, such that you were raised by a strict parent who expected you to adhere to what they wanted at all times, or an emotionally immature parent who collapsed every time you asserted your independence, you learned that the best way for you to ensure your safety and sense of belonging was to quiet down that part of you and be more invested in the feelings and needs of the other.
The reason why boundaries feel scary is because at one point in your life they were. Or at least, they truly felt that way. Children have two priorities: Safety and love. And if both were contingent upon you not having boundaries, then a significant part of you learned to stay as far away from boundaries as much as humanly possible.
Of course, the ways we had to protect ourselves as children don’t really align with where we are and what we need in our lives now as adults.
So, How Do We Reconcile This Difference?
I find a good place to start is always with looking at why we want to feel less fearful of our boundaries. What is the reason you are wanting to overcome this barrier? What feels important to you about that?
I’ll list a few reasons here:
I want more freedom in my life
I want to trust in my own sense of self and experience more confidence in my relationships
If I’m always afraid of my boundaries, I’ll end up burned out or shut off from society and I don’t want that. I want to be fully engaged with life and know that I can take care of myself appropriately
I want to stand by my decisions with ease and acceptance
I want to protect my energy so that I can show up fully and not be burdened by being too open and available (when internally I’m not)
What are some of your reasons for why you want more freedom to set boundaries? Spend a few minutes considering how your life would be different if you could totally own your boundaries.
Another piece I think deserves attention is really exploring what you fear would happen if you set a boundary and then walk yourself through it. How would you respond if that fear did happen? How might you cope with it in a way that is self-caring? Did you see this happen before (Where and with whom?)? What would be different this time if the fear happened?
The mind is really intent upon our survival, so if it believes that you won’t be safe in doing something, it will find every reason to keep you from doing it. The mind can also be pretty rigid, so it doesn’t always like to entertain the middle ground because it doesn’t feel “certain enough”.
Yet, “certainty” is a mind-made concept. What in life is ever certain? Nothing, but our minds will insist that certainty exists if we just listen to what it has to say. And often the mind will say something like, “Don’t set that boundary because that person could get mad and you wouldn’t be able to cope with it” and if you were to probe further, the mind would probably say something like, “This is the safer option for you to take”.
Yet the “safer” option ends up costing us more in the end. We sacrifice our time, energy, preferences, needs, and feelings in an attempt to achieve something like safety, yet the ironic twist is that the more we embody our boundaries, the safer we actually are.
The I-Need-To-Be-Liked Factor Reduces Our Authenticity
When your mind links you having boundaries with people becoming angry with you, your nervous system will respond in one of four ways: fight (in the form of defensiveness), flight (in the form of avoidance), freeze (in the form of shutting down), or fawn (in the form of people pleasing).
When the nervous system is activated in the above ways, our ability to be in our truth and confidence waivers and we default to preferred survival strategies. This isn’t wrong (because our nervous systems do keep us safe), but it’s not always needed for the situation at hand.
A theme I see most often is that people tend to default to fawning when it comes to the concept of setting boundaries. They might start out being full on committed to themselves, but when it comes time to actually execute the boundary and express their needs, the fawning response kicks in and pulls them away from their truth and into serving the other.
It’s important to look at what your nervous system is responding to in the moment. What is the real or perceived threat your body is orienting to? What feels threatening about someone else having feelings toward you?
Answer without judgment.
Acknowledge the underlying pain that’s present here.
You didn’t just make this up one day. Your nervous system linked other peoples feelings with danger and threat to you because this is what you either experienced directly or witnessed indirectly.
Most of these fears come from the perspective of the inner child that lives in you. Essentially, that child has come to equate boundaries with threat and has been giving you directions on how to move through your life well into your adult life. So this means that if you were seven when you linked boundaries with threat, for example, then your current perspectives on boundaries are coming from that seven year old self.
It’s Time To Update The Child’s Worldview
What would it be like to feel totally confident, in choice with, and connected to your innate right to have boundaries? Can you see it? What does it feel like in your body? How would you carry yourself differently? What maladaptive beliefs have you transmuted and shifted?
The child inside of you needs a new way forward. This part of you is stuck in the past and is not aware that you have grown up. Imagine an actual child sitting next to you who is so afraid of this idea of setting boundaries. This little person looks up at you, trembling with fear, and tells you that it’s not safe to do this.
What would you say to them?
How would you hold them in their feelings, while showing them that you will always keep them safe and that they are in a new time and place with you?
What would be the first words out of your mouth?
How might you convey to this little child that there is another way you can be in the world that’s different from what this part of you learned in childhood?
What feelings would you have toward this little child?
Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart, and take in three deep breaths. On the last out breath, say to yourself, “It is safe for me to have boundaries in this world. My boundaries are my superpower and only I can determine when and where to use them. I am safe to honor my truth.”
Let that child know you’re in a different place and time. Show that child what it looks like to have healthy boundaries in relationship. And if that part is still a little fuzzy, you can learn this together by reading books, taking workshops, witnessing it in others (movies and books are a good place for this), and feeling it into your body.
Wishing you all the love and courage in the world. Be good to yourself.
-AlreadyGoodEnough
Please note that this post should not replace medical or professional advice and is for educational purposes only.